did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize