I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
