Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
