Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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