Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I pour the whiskey from now on
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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