I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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