I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
