My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
