I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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