i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
