last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
