he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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