hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize