paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
