am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
