Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
