the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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