she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
