my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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