The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My ATM looks so different sober.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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