I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize