I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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