I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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