Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
