I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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