I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
