just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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