So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
