I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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