Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize