We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
