My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
