I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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