you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
