I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
