they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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