Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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