I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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