I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
