I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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