she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
