Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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