i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
