Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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