wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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