would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
