I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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