let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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