You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
