Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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