Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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