The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
