Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
What drink are we having for lunch?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize