So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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