I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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