Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
