I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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