you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
