Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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