I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
