dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
