u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
