Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
