Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just tell him i said nine months
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
